on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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