I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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