Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
