Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
