Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
