I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
