One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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