She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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