Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
