You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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