I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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