just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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