His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
