im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
