I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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