At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
