He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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