Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
