Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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