My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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