My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
