I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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