So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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