I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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