If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
