Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
