So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
