oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
