hotel room ftw
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
