Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
meet me or not, i'm out of control
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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