She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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