Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
