There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
