you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Randomize
