So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
