wanna go halves on a baby?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
