oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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