just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
