I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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