So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Randomize
