Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
