I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
