just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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