I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just want nice things and good sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
