my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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