don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
