The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
