So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
