he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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