Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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