i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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