There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
