I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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