There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
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2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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