did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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