the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
