Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
