Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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