I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
