Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
