I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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