dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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