this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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