if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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