i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
