You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
